Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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