On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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