I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
