She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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