Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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