I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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