I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize