Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
