i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
