She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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