Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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