cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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