You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
The best revenge is premature balding
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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