keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Randomize
