The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
pop tarts are not kleenex
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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