I can't breathe out the right side of my face
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
