When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
