She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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