but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
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