ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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