hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
