Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
