Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
