I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize