Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
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