Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
