Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
