we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My bed smells like the plague
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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