We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
