I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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