real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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