his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
