Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
