I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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