Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
