I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
