Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
