meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
