i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
