Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
