i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
