I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
