I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize