i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
