when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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