Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
