saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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