Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
