We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I think your dad took our porno
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
