Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
