Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
COCAINE IS GR8
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
