mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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