cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize