I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
