she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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