i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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