I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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