I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
be right there i have to get my cape
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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