my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just high enough for therapy.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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