Redeem this text for a blowjob
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize