I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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