what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
