I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize