My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
